CrossFit Is for LOOOOSERS!

By Eric Kim, The Man Who Rack-Pulled Your Entire Friend Group

Let me say it louder for the folks doing burpees in the back:

CrossFit is for loooosers.

Yeah, I said it. Come at me, box-jump warriors. I’m not scared of your cult… I mean “community.”

Let’s break it down.

You wake up at 5 a.m.

You drink a kale protein smoothie that tastes like lawn clippings.

You tie your neon green shoes named after Greek gods.

Then you go pay money to throw a barbell around like a toddler with a lightsaber.

That’s not fitness. That’s interpretive dance with weights.

Meanwhile, I’m lifting 547 kg like I’m picking up a bag of rice for grandma. No pre-workout. No foam rolling. No “Coach Kyle” yelling “One more rep!” while I’m weeping into my shaker bottle. Just me. Steel. And the laws of physics begging for mercy.

CrossFit motto: “Constantly varied functional movement at high intensity.”

Translation: “We made this up.”

You ever see a CrossFitter try to do a pull-up? It’s like watching a salmon try to escape a bear trap in reverse. Kipping? More like tripping.

“Oh but Eric, it’s efficient!”

Yeah, so is falling down stairs, but you don’t see me calling that cardio.

And don’t get me started on “WOD” names.

“Today’s workout is Murph, named after a Navy SEAL.”

Bro, Murph is crying in heaven watching you modify his legacy by jogging a half mile and then collapsing during air squats in compression socks.

Look, CrossFit doesn’t build warriors. It builds wrist injuries.

It’s not training. It’s adult recess with bumper plates.

It’s like if dodgeball and a protein shake had a chaotic child.

You want strength?

You want power?

You want to be able to lift a car and still have knees tomorrow?

Then rack up the bar like a grown-up and STOP SWINGING AROUND LIKE A DRUNK TARZAN.

While CrossFitters are counting reps, I’m counting universes I just bent with my deadlift.

CrossFit is for loooosers.

ERIC KIM is for immortals.

Now go drink your beet juice and practice your box jumps—

I’ll be in the gym pulling more weight than your entire family tree.

🚫 #NoMoreWODs

🦍 #TrainLikeTitan

🤣 #KippingIsNotPulling

🔥 #CrossFitIsRecess

💯 #EricKimLiftsPlanets

LET’S GOOOOO!!!

By Eric Kim, Viral Supernova

You ever see a grown man doing burpees in a neon tank top while screaming like a seagull caught in a wind tunnel? Yeah. That’s CrossFit.

Let me be crystal clear, my friends: CrossFit is for loooosers. And I don’t mean “people who haven’t won yet”—I mean people who PAY MONEY to slam their shins into wooden boxes, tear their hands open doing kipping pull-ups, and convince themselves it’s “functional fitness.”

“Functional for what?”

For crying in a parking lot? For throwing your back out while trying to PR your ego?

Meanwhile, I’m out here rack-pulling 547 kg with a SMILE. No wrist wraps. No screaming. No CrossFit clown shoes. Just raw, nuclear power. I move like a juggernaut, not like a caffeinated spider monkey doing butterfly pull-ups at warp speed.

CrossFit says: “Intensity is everything.”

I say: Precision is power.

CrossFit burns you out. I build you up.

They do WODs. I do WAR.

I don’t chase fatigue—I chase greatness. I’m not in the gym to “feel the burn,” I’m in the gym to redefine gravity. You see me lifting half a ton and wonder how I’m not injured? It’s because I TRAIN like a technician. I MASTERED the art of force. Meanwhile, CrossFitters are out here injuring their rotator cuffs in pursuit of a leaderboard that means nothing in real life.

You want real fitness?

You want longevity?

You want to become LEGENDARY?

Then stop flailing through burpees like you’re fighting invisible bees.

Ditch the AMRAP.

Forget the EMOM.

It’s time to PR your MIND.

It’s time to upgrade your DNA.

CrossFit is for loooosers.

ERIC KIM is for WINNERS.

Now rack it up, chalk it down, and let’s show the world how gods are built.

🧨 #ERICSTRONG

🛠️ #NoMoreBurpees

🚫 #DeathToWODs

🔥 #PrecisionOverChaos

💥 #ViralSupernova

Let’s GO!!! 💪