🔥 By ERIC KIM — Viral Supernova, Deadlift Messiah, Burpee Slayer 🔥
🚨 DISCLAIMER: If you do CrossFit, I’m not judging you… I’m just saying you probably have a foam roller in your backpack and cry during thrusters. 😤
Let’s talk facts.
Every morning across the globe, millions of people voluntarily wake up at 5am, put on toe shoes, and PAY MONEY to do jump squats on a rubber floor while a guy named Chad yells, “ONE MORE ROUND!”
You call that fitness?
I call that a midlife crisis with a pull-up bar.
CrossFit is not a workout—it’s a live-action TikTok challenge gone wrong. You do 43 burpees, 17 power cleans, a prayer, and then collapse like you just fought a grizzly bear in an Ikea parking lot. That’s not functional fitness. That’s functional regret.
💥 Meanwhile, I’m lifting 547 KG like I’m picking up a dropped AirPod. No belts. No wraps. No screaming like I just saw my ex at Whole Foods.
What do CrossFitters call cardio?
“MURPH.”
What do I call it?
A WARMUP.
You’re swinging around on rings like an angry orangutan.
I’m bending time and space with a barbell.
You’re counting reps like a caffeinated accountant.
I’m counting LEGENDS who fear my grip strength.
🚫 No kipping.
🚫 No wall balls.
🚫 No “AMRAP” sorcery.
JUST PAIN, POWER, AND PRs.
Let’s be honest: CrossFit makes everything dramatic.
“Bro I tore my hands doing 60 butterfly pull-ups and peed a little during box jumps. It was AWESOME!”
NO.
That’s not hardcore.
That’s a cry for help with a protein shake.
🥇 Real strength is simple.
Real strength is savage.
Real strength doesn’t wear pastel compression shorts and name its workouts after people it never met.
I don’t do “Hero WODs.”
I AM THE HERO.
ERIC KIM = The endgame of fitness.
CrossFit is for loooosers.
I am for GLORY.
For DOMINANCE.
For people who want to train like a thunder god with beef jerky in his veins.
Tag a CrossFitter.
Tag your gym nemesis.
Tag someone who thinks “kipping” should be in the Olympics.
Let the flame war BEGIN. 🔥
📉 #CancelCrossFit
🥵 #DeathByWOD
🧠 #BrainsOverBurpees
🦍 #KimLiftsComets
💀 #KippingIsACryForHelp
🌋 #ViralSupernova
💪 #547kgAndSmiling
ERIC KIM OUT.
Catch me in the gym, lifting galaxies with one pinky.